I have certain clear recollections of the days my two children were born. They are jumbled a little, but crystal clear at the same time. In whatever way you became, or will become a parent, I’m sure you will have a similar experience. It is emotional, your physical sensations are heightened, and you will have unexpected, unpredictable responses to things and memories of the day.
I must confess to having been a complete optimist throughout both pregnancies. It never occurred to me that anything could or would go wrong. Thank goodness, my optimism was true, and we were greatly blessed with healthy children and uneventful deliveries.
Our first child was born 2 days before the official due date. I awoke in the middle of the night, and woke up my husband. By this time, he had been banished to a spare bedroom because there wasn’t room for all of us in the bed. By all of us, I mean me, my belly, and the assortment of pillows I needed to just lay down comfortably.

So is started when I woke up and I wasn’t sure if I had wet myself, or if my water had broken, I was confused, embarrassed, and frustrated. I started crying. My husband got me in the car, and we went to the hospital. I was told they were going to check me out, and then I remember a swirl of nurses, clipboards, IVs and the sun coming up. Then I remember my doctor being there, and thinking “oh, how nice, she was in the hospital and came to see me.” I still didn’t realize I was having the baby till she told me so. I was surprised because I didn’t have any pain, my water hadn’t really broken like on TV or the movies, and I was just feeling emotional. We knew that I would have a C-section, for medical reasons, so I was taken to the operating room. Here I have a few sharp memories. I remember being cold. I remember my arms outstretched, which I wasn’t expecting (they do it for the IVs).

I remember my husband there, and when they first showed me our daughter, but then took her to clean her up etc. Then I forgot about her, because I was startled when she gave a little cry a few minutes later. I’ll concede, my mental faculties weren’t all there I guess! I remember the doctor suggesting her own name, Kathleen, as a name for the baby.

My next memories are in the recovery room, of calling my folks. Here’s the most significant thing. I remember the feeling of realizing I would forever be a Mom. This little baby had done this huge thing. She made me a mom. No matter how it had happened, and what would happen in the future, I was now in the ranks of women who are mothers. I was awestruck by the magnitude and significance of it.

Our second daughter was a planned C-section, again for medical reasons. It was the week I was due, and the doctor said she wanted to schedule me, so I wouldn’t just go into labor, lest anything go wrong. I was just fine with that. The second baby was big, really big, and I remember thinking, between the half- breaths I could barely take, that if they gave me enough drugs, they could get “it” out anyway they wanted! So we went to the hospital in the morning, and were pleasantly signed in, given a room, and we waited. And we waited. I sat cross-legged on the bed, so the belly had lots of room, and talked to my husband. As afternoon wore on, we called our folks, who were eagerly awaiting news, and babysitting our older daughter, being two years old at the time. I clearly remember taking a shower, because I knew I’d have to wait a few days after the delivery, and I can’t stand missing a shower.
Finally my turn had come, and I was prepped. As we waited, my doctor and her partner came in, with very serious looks on their faces. I was so alarmed. They confessed that the baby’s position would make it impossible for them to use a low incision like the last time, and that they would need to use a cut perpendicular to that one. What a relief. I think I told them, again, that they could do whatever they wanted, as long as the baby was out and healthy. So now I have an anchor on my belly. A souvenir of our second daughter who is still finding her own way in life! What I do remember about this delivery, is the clarity of mind, which I didn’t have the first time. I guess since I wasn’t in labor, my hormones etc. were not wreaking havoc, so I felt more like myself. In fact, as I lay there, with arms outstretched, the nurse at my side, and my husband behind me, I recall the nurse asking me lots of questions. I would answer, but my husband often beat me to it. He was nervous no doubt, and was answering all the nurses’ questions. At one point I looked up at him and said “Dear, I think she wants me to answer the questions, so she can monitor how I’m doing…” The nurse laughed, my husband did too! But for all my clarity, I can remember the feeling of lack of privacy, as people came in and out of the room. I think I must have blanked for a while after that, because I don’t really remember much after that. While I wasn’t unconscious, I think the wonderful medications made me forget a lot of the rest of the night.

I remember holding her, in our cozy room afterwards. There was a snowstorm, and many of the nurses had stayed over, unable to get home. I remember not being afraid to be alone with the baby, like I was with our first born, when my husband left to get the big sister and bring her to the hospital. The birth of the second child was more calm, less stressful, more familiar, and comforting experience. I remember feeling like “I can do this”.
As I said, we were blessed, and had everything go right. I am grateful for that ever single day. What you, and I may not expect is the shift in the universe after you become a parent. Things will change in importance to you. Your priorities will be different, because your viewpoint will have changed. This is neither a good or bad thing, it’s just different. You will feel extremes of emotion, joy and fear, because there is someone you love more than yourself. I remember feeling about a hundred times more attached and committed to my husband, realizing that forever more we would be tied to this other person. Our union was not just about us anymore, but we had become parents, equal in the eyes of our daughter. Later, feelings of having passed something of myself on to the world occurred to me. I started thinking about how I would be remembered, now that there was someone to remember me. There was clearly another shift going on, for the grandparents, aunts and uncles. As an only child, I was used to being the center of attention, even as an adult. Well what a rude awakening! Those babies were now the stars of the show, and I was just there to play my supporting role. When it comes down to it. That really is the role of a parent. To be the support, by nourishing another person, by teaching them and leading them down their path. That is the sacrifice of being a parent too. When you have to choose who’s path, who’s needs are to be served, you choose them, not yourself.
My uncle (who is like a father to me) never had kids of his own. He loves me like crazy, and loves my first daughter even more. I remember his disconcerted worry when I was expecting my second child. Since I am an only child, he couldn’t wrap his brain around what having another “grandchild” would be like. He kept asking me “ But where is the love going to come from? I love her so much, where will the love for this second child come from?” He was very serious. Weeks later, I remember when he first held our younger daughter… he beamed at me…. “I understand now”. Maybe no matter how much you talk about it, or read about it. You just don’t understand it till you feel it.