Family

In the Grand (parent) Scheme of Things
by

In the Grand (parent) Scheme of Things

family-1827369__480Grandparents. The word can evoke so many images, either the soothing comfort of experience, or the spark for explosive generational conflicts. In my opinion, what determines the relationship your parents have with your kids, depends on you. I think that having our own children puts the parent-child (you’re the child in this scenario) dynamic under a microscope and exposes every nuance, every pattern of behavior that you share. Hopefully, you have a good relationship with your parents, and can build on good communication, family values, and goals in parenting; Maybe not. If your relations with your parents are tentative, then that can lead to a shaky start in their relationships with your precious offspring.
I want to believe that these patterns are not unchangeable, and that the motivation to “get it right” is very strong. If you can step back and acknowledge where there’s room for growth, then you can take control and change how you react to your parents, instead of holding on to old hurt or resentments.
The point I want to make is that you are in a powerful position here. These people are your parents, and your children. You are the pivotal link, and as such have a big responsibility. In a nutshell, my opinion and advice is to take the high road. You do not want to use your kids to strong-arm your parents into making up for their shortcomings with you. You need to be the shining example of moderation, cooperation, and understanding, for your children’s sake. I think it is a very valid to tell your kids ( in a way that doesn’t disparage grandma) that you disagree with the way she does this or that, or disagree with her choice to do whatever, that you’ve talked to grandma because you love her, and that you’ve agreed not to make the same choices that grandma made because you have different values. Ugh. Grandma may be insisting on her way. You can only choose to fight her or model for your kids, how we step back and choose how to react in a way that benefits us.

It is the legacy of one generation to the other, which we have the power to strengthen now, for all too soon, we will be reaping what we have sown.

Here’s an example of how it can sound in real life: Nana is very proud of her meatloaf recipe. She recounts complements neighbors and friends have made about her delicious meatloaf. Your significant other is vegetarian, and now your 10 year old has decided to be vegetarian too. Up until now, Nana has been disappointed when serving meatloaf that your partner fills up on other choices. When Nana hears that Junior is not going to be eating meatloaf, she gets upset, saying something to the effect of “ My meatloaf was good enough for you, you are not a good parent to let your growing child limit their diet by not eating this healthy, delicious food” Deep breath. You could fight back, or say something like “ Mom, I love you and what I love about your meatloaf is the way you make it with such care. I want Junior to have memories of your great cooking, but can we find another recipe that works as your special treat when we are together?” You could suggest cooking with Junior, as an enticement. If Nana is unyielding, then try to skip meals, generate another tradition that you can focus on.
What you can say to Junior is this “ I love Nana, I’ve tried talking to her, but she isn’t comfortable changing her ways. I can live with that, and I don’t mind changing my routine to accommodate her. It’s a way that I am honoring her as my parent. Sometimes we need to show consideration for others even though we think they are wrong. I don’t want to insist or argue with Nana because that will make the time we spend together uncomfortable. How do you think we can show Nana we think she’s great, without having to eat the meatloaf?”

cooking-775503_1280.jpgI couldn’t begin to account for the numerous possible conflicts than can and do arise with our parents, in-laws, and other members of the family. The take-away for me, is that if you try to take the high road, rather than take an adversarial attitude, you are modeling good coping skills for your child. Junior is going to take the cues from you. You’ll benefit now and later, when you are the grandparent, by having open communication, and being an example of how we treat people, especially members of the family.

I was recently overhearing a conversation between a mom and her adolescent. They were enumerating the many reasons they don’t like a family member’s prospective spouse. They were both criticizing this woman, and giving examples of things she had done that irritated them. I felt saddened, because the Mom had lost an opportunity to embrace a new family member, to find some common ground, and more importantly, to teach Junior how to see the good in people instead of focusing on the negative. It was a legacy they were creating against this new family member, which would last many, many decades of family gatherings etc. I hated to think it, but if anything tragic were to happen to the Mom, this other woman would surely be in a position to be a motherly role model for this adolescent.

In more cases than not, the overall impression and memory children will have of their extended families comes from the parents. It is a gift we can give our children to paint the grandparents (et al ) in as favorable light as possible. It is the legacy of one generation to the other, which we have the power to strengthen now, for all too soon, we will be reaping what we have sown.

The Goodnight Board – Lifelong lessons in family
by

The Goodnight Board – Lifelong lessons in family

family photosNo matter what the make- up of your nuclear family is, you are likely part of a larger group of people you call “family”. Whether they are made up of blood relations, or friends who have earned your love and trust, they are people who will be part of your child’s life for a long time. To that end, let me share some thoughts on family, and a lovely routine we had in our house.

In my essay on sleep, I describe the importance of establishing a bedtime routine. At our house, the first step was to dim the lights (yes, put the kids’ lights on a dimmer; its great for middle of the night infant feedings, nights when your child is sick, and every night at bedtime!) Change into nighttime clothes/ diapers and then say “goodnight” to everyone in the family.

Hanging near the crib / toddler bed was a bulletin board with photos of the closest members of the family. Each one was a 4×6 nice clear close- up picture. So we would look at the pictures and point to each one and say “Good night Grandma, Good night Grandpa, Good night Carla…” and so on. We even had a picture of our dog. Then the last good night was a kiss and hug from the adult, and then into bed, lights out, and door closed. We instructed anyone who stayed with our girls to do the same, so bedtime was smooth and easy.

When the baby was small, obviously some facial recognition occurred, but the soothing nature of the routine was paramount. Later, our children would smile at one photo or another, showing a real emotional connection. Lastly, when they were a bit older, we had a phone list with the same pictures so they could identify the faces and phone numbers as they learned to use the phone…. Yes a land- line! How Quaint! This last step would certainly be a no-brainer on cell phones contact list, and Skype contacts too.

As they grew, the idea that some people are closer to us than others as individuals and as a family is a valuable lesson. It teaches children that not all families are cookie cutter units with a mommy, daddy, and children.

It teaches them to have pride in their family, no matter how its members are arranged. It also teaches them about the differences between family, friends, and strangers.

Once at the grocery store, I was chatting with the clerk. After we left the store, my daughter said, “Bill is our friend!” because he was always cheery and familiar with the customers. I took this instant as a “teachable moment” which you must always be on the look out for! I paused to explain to her that no, he is not our friend, but he is a stranger with whom we are friendly. I gave examples of how we interact with friends (they visit our house, we eat together, we talk on the phone) versus being friendly with a stranger (talking at the store, holding the door, chatting with a neighbor).

Setting up this distinction lays the groundwork for stranger awareness later on. They will see that even though the pizza guy comes to the house, he doesn’t join you for dinner!pizzaOur kids will be accustomed to protecting their privacy, their space, and their bodies if you have taught them this from the youngest age. Moreover, they will understand how special it is to be a member of a family. They will see that the people on the bulletin board, those in your home, are special and have earned your trust.

I introduced the idea of people who may want to hurt us, those who “break the rules” by using the phrase the “oh-oh feeling” that instinctive feeling that we all have, but often override in order to follow social norms or not cause offense. It’s the feeling that tells you not to get into the elevator or to change your seat on the subway. Giving the feeling a name incorporates it into the kid’s vocabulary and hopefully opens the door to a dialogue when they do have that feeling. My mother had a friend who would come and literally pinch my cheeks hard every time she saw me. I never said anything, and while she was just an annoyance, I just suffered the burn instead of feeling empowered to say or do anything. As a parent, you must find the times to have the difficult talks!

It will be your job to give them permission to call out any family member or friend who breaks the rules as a potential child molester or abuser. Statistics show that in most cases the child and the family know these adults. When having conversations about grown –ups who break the rules I felt justified in telling my girls that even if the person who makes you feel uncomfortable is Uncle Joe or my best friend, that I love you more than I love Uncle Joe or whoever, and would want her to tell me if any grown up made her feel uncomfortable. Our children need to be believed, and not afraid to express any deep secret or emotional issue they may have. You as the parent are the head of their family, the closest, most important person in their lives. It is a relationship of absolute trust and trustworthiness. You set the tone and model what that familial bond and relationship should be.
In later years, they will use these criteria for extending trust and friendship to people in their own lives, hopefully choosing friends, mentors, and partners who are worthy of their esteem. Social media has blurred the lines of “friendship”. My approach is to incorporate the technology instead of ignoring it. Get into social media and see what’s going on! Watch the videos, read the comments, see who friended whom today! This is a place abundantly full of “teachable moments”!

Your job after all is to give them what they need so they are equipped to leave you! So the first day of school, the night of the sleep over, even departure for college will not be something your child has to do alone. You will have provided a cocoon of family bonds, which they can carry with them anywhere! What sweet pleasure it is to get a text message from college saying “Good night mom, sweet dreams, love you!” Sigh, smile, “Good night, I love you more!” There’s no better time, and time well spent, than when you first start with your baby in your arms, smiling at the good- night board, saying goodnight to all the important people in your family. I think the logical progression of teaching babies about families, toddlers about friendship, and children to distinguish the difference between acquaintances, friends, and family, and your child will carry the knowledge that they have people behind them, even if they are not physically present, for all their lives.