No matter what the make- up of your nuclear family is, you are likely part of a larger group of people you call “family”. Whether they are made up of blood relations, or friends who have earned your love and trust, they are people who will be part of your child’s life for a long time. To that end, let me share some thoughts on family, and a lovely routine we had in our house.
In my essay on sleep, I describe the importance of establishing a bedtime routine. At our house, the first step was to dim the lights (yes, put the kids’ lights on a dimmer; its great for middle of the night infant feedings, nights when your child is sick, and every night at bedtime!) Change into nighttime clothes/ diapers and then say “goodnight” to everyone in the family.
Hanging near the crib / toddler bed was a bulletin board with photos of the closest members of the family. Each one was a 4×6 nice clear close- up picture. So we would look at the pictures and point to each one and say “Good night Grandma, Good night Grandpa, Good night Carla…” and so on. We even had a picture of our dog. Then the last good night was a kiss and hug from the adult, and then into bed, lights out, and door closed. We instructed anyone who stayed with our girls to do the same, so bedtime was smooth and easy.
When the baby was small, obviously some facial recognition occurred, but the soothing nature of the routine was paramount. Later, our children would smile at one photo or another, showing a real emotional connection. Lastly, when they were a bit older, we had a phone list with the same pictures so they could identify the faces and phone numbers as they learned to use the phone…. Yes a land- line! How Quaint! This last step would certainly be a no-brainer on cell phones contact list, and Skype contacts too.
As they grew, the idea that some people are closer to us than others as individuals and as a family is a valuable lesson. It teaches children that not all families are cookie cutter units with a mommy, daddy, and children.
It teaches them to have pride in their family, no matter how its members are arranged. It also teaches them about the differences between family, friends, and strangers.
Once at the grocery store, I was chatting with the clerk. After we left the store, my daughter said, “Bill is our friend!” because he was always cheery and familiar with the customers. I took this instant as a “teachable moment” which you must always be on the look out for! I paused to explain to her that no, he is not our friend, but he is a stranger with whom we are friendly. I gave examples of how we interact with friends (they visit our house, we eat together, we talk on the phone) versus being friendly with a stranger (talking at the store, holding the door, chatting with a neighbor).
Setting up this distinction lays the groundwork for stranger awareness later on. They will see that even though the pizza guy comes to the house, he doesn’t join you for dinner!
Our kids will be accustomed to protecting their privacy, their space, and their bodies if you have taught them this from the youngest age. Moreover, they will understand how special it is to be a member of a family. They will see that the people on the bulletin board, those in your home, are special and have earned your trust.
I introduced the idea of people who may want to hurt us, those who “break the rules” by using the phrase the “oh-oh feeling” that instinctive feeling that we all have, but often override in order to follow social norms or not cause offense. It’s the feeling that tells you not to get into the elevator or to change your seat on the subway. Giving the feeling a name incorporates it into the kid’s vocabulary and hopefully opens the door to a dialogue when they do have that feeling. My mother had a friend who would come and literally pinch my cheeks hard every time she saw me. I never said anything, and while she was just an annoyance, I just suffered the burn instead of feeling empowered to say or do anything. As a parent, you must find the times to have the difficult talks!
It will be your job to give them permission to call out any family member or friend who breaks the rules as a potential child molester or abuser. Statistics show that in most cases the child and the family know these adults. When having conversations about grown –ups who break the rules I felt justified in telling my girls that even if the person who makes you feel uncomfortable is Uncle Joe or my best friend, that I love you more than I love Uncle Joe or whoever, and would want her to tell me if any grown up made her feel uncomfortable. Our children need to be believed, and not afraid to express any deep secret or emotional issue they may have. You as the parent are the head of their family, the closest, most important person in their lives. It is a relationship of absolute trust and trustworthiness. You set the tone and model what that familial bond and relationship should be.
In later years, they will use these criteria for extending trust and friendship to people in their own lives, hopefully choosing friends, mentors, and partners who are worthy of their esteem. Social media has blurred the lines of “friendship”. My approach is to incorporate the technology instead of ignoring it. Get into social media and see what’s going on! Watch the videos, read the comments, see who friended whom today! This is a place abundantly full of “teachable moments”!
Your job after all is to give them what they need so they are equipped to leave you! So the first day of school, the night of the sleep over, even departure for college will not be something your child has to do alone. You will have provided a cocoon of family bonds, which they can carry with them anywhere! What sweet pleasure it is to get a text message from college saying “Good night mom, sweet dreams, love you!” Sigh, smile, “Good night, I love you more!” There’s no better time, and time well spent, than when you first start with your baby in your arms, smiling at the good- night board, saying goodnight to all the important people in your family. I think the logical progression of teaching babies about families, toddlers about friendship, and children to distinguish the difference between acquaintances, friends, and family, and your child will carry the knowledge that they have people behind them, even if they are not physically present, for all their lives.
We are a society on the go. Whether it’s work, school, daycare, activities, or trips, we are usually preparing to leave or regrouping upon return. Taking the baby out for the first time can be a logistical challenge. The backbone of success in my opinion is to keep things organized, and be consistent with how you prepare.
I have certain clear recollections of the days my two children were born. They are jumbled a little, but crystal clear at the same time. In whatever way you became, or will become a parent, I’m sure you will have a similar experience. It is emotional, your physical sensations are heightened, and you will have unexpected, unpredictable responses to things and memories of the day.
What I do remember about this delivery, is the clarity of mind, which I didn’t have the first time. I guess since I wasn’t in labor, my hormones etc. were not wreaking havoc, so I felt more like myself. In fact, as I lay there, with arms outstretched, the nurse at my side, and my husband behind me, I recall the nurse asking me lots of questions. I would answer, but my husband often beat me to it. He was nervous no doubt, and was answering all the nurses’ questions. At one point I looked up at him and said “Dear, I think she wants me to answer the questions, so she can monitor how I’m doing…” The nurse laughed, my husband did too! But for all my clarity, I can remember the feeling of lack of privacy, as people came in and out of the room. I think I must have blanked for a while after that, because I don’t really remember much after that. While I wasn’t unconscious, I think the wonderful medications made me forget a lot of the rest of the night.
What you, and I may not expect is the shift in the universe after you become a parent. Things will change in importance to you. Your priorities will be different, because your viewpoint will have changed. This is neither a good or bad thing, it’s just different. You will feel extremes of emotion, joy and fear, because there is someone you love more than yourself. I remember feeling about a hundred times more attached and committed to my husband, realizing that forever more we would be tied to this other person. Our union was not just about us anymore, but we had become parents, equal in the eyes of our daughter. Later, feelings of having passed something of myself on to the world occurred to me. I started thinking about how I would be remembered, now that there was someone to remember me. There was clearly another shift going on, for the grandparents, aunts and uncles. As an only child, I was used to being the center of attention, even as an adult. Well what a rude awakening! Those babies were now the stars of the show, and I was just there to play my supporting role. When it comes down to it. That really is the role of a parent. To be the support, by nourishing another person, by teaching them and leading them down their path. That is the sacrifice of being a parent too. When you have to choose who’s path, who’s needs are to be served, you choose them, not yourself.
Mom Emeritus 