Swaddling, to wrap tightly in garments or cloth, is something they showed us when we had our new baby. The tightness of the cloth helps comfort the baby by giving him a snug, strong feeling, much like a heartfelt hug. It really helps to calm and soothe a baby that’s crying or fussy. It is a measure of security and control when the child is feeling out of control or his or her emotions are snowballing.

I can remember being out with my 4 and 6 year olds, when an unprecedented tantrum took place. Neither of my girls ever threw tantrums, so I stood in disbelief as the 6 year old disintegrated into hysterics because I refused to buy her a pair of pajamas with some princess or what not on it.

This story has two parts: first, my resolve not to be bullied into changing my mind by bad behavior, and second, how swaddling (hugging her while she pitched a fit) helped. First, I was and still am to a great extent, thoughtful before saying yes or no. Answering “let me think about this for a minute” with the occasional addition of “tell me why this is important to you” is a very respectable answer. It teaches that you should think before speaking or making up your mind, it teaches that you sometimes need to lay out your argument to convince someone to your point of view, and most importantly, it taught my kids that I valued their point of view, and was not making a decision on a whim.
However, once they had their say, once I had considered my answer, it was unwavering.

If you allow your children’s bad behavior to sway your choices and decisions on their behalf, you are negotiating with terrorists. The child will see the crack and exploit it every time. It also gives away your responsibility as a parent, as the adult in charge of the child’s well being; in short, you’ve not done your best. Not wavering is hard, really hard. It can take the last bit of strength you have for the day. If you give in, you are teaching kids that any rule can be broken, that consequences are flexible, and that they can pretty much get their way if they act badly enough.

Now apply that to a teen environment with drugs, alcohol, a speeding car, and a cute boy. No. This is your chance to form their behavior before these actual life- altering variables enter the picture.
So back in the department store, the 4 year old in the stroller, and I are watching the 6-year-old scream at the top of her lungs, cry, and literally beating the floor with her fists. (I only thought that happened in the movies) People are staring as they walk by. I have to be cool. If I get mad at her, I’ll only escalate the problem. Things are racing through my head… can she hurt herself? No. What brought her to such a low point? Is she getting sick? Did she not sleep well last night? Does she need a snack? How long can this go on? So I decide to take a step back, I stand nearby, and calmly say something like “ Honey, I’m going to wait for you to calm down. You need to take some deep breaths” and then I stood there dispassionately (on the outside) and tried to wait it out. When it was apparent that I wasn’t going to pick her up or reach for the pajamas in question, she stood up, and came to confront me face to face.

That’s when the swaddling came into play. I sat down on a display, leaned in, and wrapped my arms around her tight. She was still crying, and talking, but didn’t try to resist. I held her, and held her, and talked in a calm voice. I told her I loved her, I told her I was sorry we were not getting the pajamas today, I told her she would feel better if she could take deep breaths (I tried to do so too, so she could feel me breathe as I held her). I
n about a minute, she was still talking but no longer in the throughs of a tantrum. I released my hug a little, to look into her eyes, I repeated myself, kissed her, gave her a tissue, and slowly but surely, we were able to walk away calmly.
Of course she promptly fell asleep in the car. My nerves were shot! The younger daughter was still wide-eyed, and I had to comfort her a bit, because neither of us had ever seen anything like it. Luckily, I can say that that was the only tantrum I can really remember. I credit their easygoing personalities, but also take credit for my consistent parenting too.
Children need to know the limits of their world. They need to know what is and isn’t okay. They need to know that you’ll always love them no matter how awful their behavior is, and that you’ll try to support them through the hard times. When children know the rules, it gives them security. Do you know small babies cry when you take off their diaper? It’s the same idea. It’s nice and tight. There is comfort in security. Children don’t like feeling uncertainty. They don’t need to flail around testing one rule and then another. Children need the security of our hugs, our love, our rules to guide them. Just as we swaddle them with a blanket on their first day, they need the same loving security and comfort from a very firm, tight, daily routine.
I’ve often referred to myself as a hard-ass, but really I mean that in the best way! Being tough, enforcing the rules every single time is the definition of the job of parent. It paves the way for all the good stuff. I’ve heard parents say that they spend all their time fighting and arguing and trying to get their kids to behave. They could rescue the situation by ending the talking, and standing firm. It really doesn’t take long at all for the child to realize they aren’t getting anywhere with arguments. Without all the available time spent arguing, the family is left with lots of time for great one on one interaction that is love and fun-filled. That really is the goal of every parent! Hard work aside, we love our kids, and want to spend as much time with them having good interaction. The change comes from us. It takes effort, but is so worth it in the end. They’ll be grown and away sooner than you think! I for one am glad our memories are of laughter and cuddles instead of tantrums and arguments. Those memories are what will swaddle you later in life!