“No, no, no!!” screams your child. “You can’t make me!” scowls your 10 year old. “Not my president” chants your college – aged son.

In my mind these are all the same conversation. Differences of opinion and different points of view can be tough for kids to understand. It is easier if they have had practice in voicing their points of view and negotiating a peace with others who think differently.

I can remember thinking “Oh boy, there go my plans…” whenever one of my kids would get upset about a situation and start to dig in. You know the look; steely gaze, reddening face, tense muscles and repetitive dialogue. The parent has to ride it out.

First, the expression of emotions, which the adult should validate. Phrases like “I’m mad because…” or “I’m upset because..” for younger children, even “I don’t like…” Please don’t tell your child that their feelings are wrong! It is our actions that are right or wrong! Managing the feelings is the mark of maturity and the backbone of health debate and negotiation. Too often these days I hear people just expressing their feelings and shouting down their opposition.

Second, after you have listen to, and agreed with the way they are feeling, you can begin to steer the conversation towards actions. “Actions speak louder than words” could never be truer but unfortunately people never take the time to talk about someone’s actions. This conversation has to take place after the feelings have been validated, otherwise, the child will be stuck, unable to step back and learn decision making and empathy. This is the stage where we model or instruct the child about what actions are okay, and which actions are not.

Third, the parent has to apply the rules and consequences. Regardless of our feelings, our actions have consequences. So after being sympathetic to your child’s feelings, helping them talk about what they did, or want to do, you must make the consequences of your child’s actions clear to them.

Fourth, the parent has to let the child bear the burden of their actions. Sometimes a punishment, sometimes consequence, sometimes disappointment. We are seeing so many examples of young people crippled by disappointment. Parents can have empathy, because we have had our own disappointments and can share how we’ve recovered from them. If you shield your child from these emotional traumas, you prevent them from developing essential emotional skills. Like all skills, dealing with disappointment needs to be practiced. So be it loosing your favorite toy, not getting chosen for the school play, or getting dumped by a romantic partner, disappointments need not be so terrible.

I want to use the recent political election of Donald Trump as a cautionary tale because like him or not, he was elected in accordance with our laws. In my view these are people who have never learned that you don’t always get things the way you want. In the case of the election, the peaceful transfer of power has been the backbone of our democracy. Being bitterly disappointed in the result is one possible result. It happens. To those who are protesting, I ask, did you vote? Did you work on the campaign or issue you clearly, now, feel so strongly about? Half our citizens didn’t vote. Shame on them. You have to participate if you want your voice to be heard.

So I watch the protests and I wonder these things. Moreover, as a parent, I wonder how many times these individuals threw a fit to get their own way, or behaved badly in order to force an adult to give in. I believe if they had been taught debate and dialogue they wouldn’t be so distraught now.
That is what our political process is. I see faces of children who were not taught consequences, and believe that if you scream and protest hard and long enough you’ll get your way. Time and time again, we see that you work on what you believe in, you can affect change in the world.

Our children need to be taught how to participate so that their voices are heard.